My Child is Hurting

The most important thing that your child needs from you is open communication and support:

  • Create a safe atmosphere for your young person to be open with you
  • Stay calm; do not over–react to what they share with you
    • You want your child to be able to talk you about everything. A response from you of anger, shock, fear, or crying when they open up to you is going to cause them to shut down and pull away.
    • Continue to speak at normal volume or pace. Don’t raise your voice or start talking fast.
    • Keep your body language calm as well.
  • Do not be judgmental
  • Instead of saying:
    • "I told you this would happen if you hung out with that guy."
    • "You wouldn’t be feeling this way if you had made better choices."
  • Say this:
    • "I can see that you are in a tough situation. How can I support you?"
    • "I can see that you are in a lot of pain. Tell me more about what is going on."
  • Do not minimize what they are going through
  • Their perception is their reality. It is a crisis for them even if it does not seem like a crisis to you.
  • Instead of saying:
    • "You’re just being dramatic."
    • "You just need to get over it."
    • "I went through the same thing when I was your age and I turned out fine."
    • "You’re just being a teenager. In a couple of years, you’ll realize this is no big deal."
  • Say this:
    • "I know how bad you wanted to make the team. It must hurt really bad that you got cut."
    • "This is a difficult situation. I understand that you must feel really confused and overwhelmed."
  • Do not lecture or argue; this is not the time for that
    • A young person identifies a lecture as anytime you use more than a couple of sentences to tell them what to do. They will either tune you out or respond with defiance, causing an argument
    • Instead of saying:
      • "How many times have I told you that you need to choose your friends wisely? You need to look for friends who share the same values as you. People who making something of their lives. You shouldn’t call someone your friend if they don’t respect you."
    • Say this:
      • "I know how important friends are at your age. It hurts when a friend treats you like that."
    • Support your child through the process
      • Reinforce continually that you love them and are available to them
      • Follow through on finding help for your child
      • Check in with them regularly to see how they are doing

      • It is important to find out what is going on with your child in order to best know how to help them:

    • Is this because of some recent circumstances that have happened to them?
      • A bad grade, a break–up, didn’t make the team, etc..
      • This type of "depression" should only last a couple of weeks and the child needs to be supported through this time
    • Have they suffered through some on–going or very traumatic circumstances?
      • Abuse, divorce, family fighting, bullying
      • These situations will not just go away in a couple of weeks; they need to be dealt with through counseling
    • Are they struggling with using alcohol or other drugs?
      • The drug use could be causing the depression or the child is using drugs to cope with the depression; either way, the substance abuse needs to be dealt with before the depression will go away
    • Are they taking a prescription drug that has depression as a side effect?
      • This could include birth control for young ladies
      • Talk to the doctor who prescribed the medicine
    • Have they been feeling down for several weeks with no obvious circumstances?
      • This may be a clinical depression caused by a chemical imbalance
      • Take your child to a pediatrician for diagnosis and to discuss treatment

      • Talk to your child about suicide

    • Talking about suicide does not cause young people to attempt it; talking about suicide prevents it from happening.
    • Ask them if they have been thinking about it.
      • They will be relieved that you brought it up.
      • See Stages of Suicidal Behavior to find out more information about assessing your child’s risk of attempting suicide.
    • Communicate to your child that there are many solutions to their issues; they don’t have to turn to suicide.
      • Say, "I’d like to try to help you come up with some ways of getting through this (without hurting yourself)."

      • Solutions and treatment

    • There is not going to be one simple solution to your child’s situation.
    • It is going to be a combination of solutions; it will require you walking through the process with them. Some of the solutions could include:
      • Support from family, friends, and school
      • Addressing adolescent issues (dermatology, sexuality, etc.)
      • Counseling or therapy
      • Family counseling
      • Diet and fitness
      • Anti–depressant medication
      • Substance abuse treatment
      • Support groups
      • Mentoring
      • Education – learning problem–solving or coping skills
      • Research what your child needs, develop a plan, and follow through on your plan.

      • Build a support network for your child

    • The number one resiliency factor in young people is their interpersonal bonds with caring adults.
    • This begins with mom and dad.
      • Set aside more one–on–one time to invest in developing relationships with your children.
    • Get as many other caring adults involved in your child’s life as you can.
      • Sports allow coaches to get involved in their life.
      • Getting involved in music gets music instructors connected in their life.
      • Sign your child up for a mentoring program to get a mentor involved in their life.
      • Talk to the administration and counseling department at their school to get their vice principal or counselor more actively involved in their life.
      • Getting involved in a church/faith youth group gets more caring adults connected in their life.
      • Getting involved in extracurricular clubs or community volunteer work gets advisers and program directors connected in their life.
      • Talk to their teachers at school to get their teachers more actively involved in their life.
      • Give them a local help line number to call. Have them program it into their cell phone so they always have the number on hand.

      Get support for yourself

      • This is a difficult season for you as well; don’t go through it alone.
      • Make sure you are getting the support you need from your spouse, family, friends, or a support group.

       

       

       

       

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